Shelley and Mitt: Banksters & Bedfellows
By Chauncey Roberts Copyright 21014
Prior to the US Senate race against Natalie Tennant, Republican West Virginia Congresswoman Shelley Moore Capito and former presidential nominee Mitt Romney discuss issues close to their hearts.
Shelley: Oh Mitt, I’m so glad you could come. My campaign could use a little substance.
Mitt: You mean such as how I advocated giving the military an extra $200 billion instead of dealing with the national debt?
Mitt: And how my company forces companies to downsize and be bought up by sharks, close, lay off employees—and how I’m proud of this gotcha capitalism? Free markets and that sucking sound Ross Perot spoke about, you know, jobs going overseas?
Shelley: Well I wouldn’t talk about that before the election. Ross Perot lost after all!
Mitt: Frankly Shelley, I don’t give a damn. My friends and I have been in control the whole time and we’re trying to get back to that point where bankers got 50% profit of all US GDP in the 2001 – 2008 period.
Shelley: If we can just stop Elizabeth Warren. Didn’t she hear that Goldman Sachs runs the planet and must be responsible for ISIS and everything else?
Mitt: Don’t get too carried away. We’re planning to allow the US market to tank in 2016: all the synthetic financial instruments, and derivatives up by 1000% even since the 90s! There will be widespread depression, probably riots, unbearable poverty. The transition shouldn’t be too bad, however, for that population which are already slaves and don’t know it, busy imbibing that balderdash on Fox News with “boots on the ground” mentioned eight times per hour.
Shelley: Well even when the government shuts down it won’t affect me. Last time I was meeting with Netanyahu. He said there’s nothing like having drinks at the beach in Haifa while oppressing people at the same time! Having slaves and getting an extra $3 billion annual giveaway from the US is right nice!
Mitt: Don’t call it an annual giveaway, Shelley. A lot of those Jewish settlers from the US are psychos. We don’t actually want them coming back.
Shelley: At least we still have our psychopathic Wall Street banksters!
Mitt: They have to be psychopathic! Thom Hartmann says in The Crash of 2016 only someone with a personality disorder would sell highly risky financial instruments to naïve investors who don’t understand the risk. Simultaneously betting against the naïve investors, including whole countries!
Shelley: That’s right. Markets tank, banks fail, megabanks get bailed out, while millions of people lose their homes and jobs. And a lot of those same American losers are still watching Fox News, virtually ecstatic in their hatred of Obama, who even himself told Sarkozy that he speaks with Netanyahu every day.
Mitt: Say, what do you think of ISIS sending their kids here via Mexico?
Shelley: Well by now the Fox News/Koch listeners are used to hearing “boots on the ground.”
Shelley: But Mitt dear, why did you give that news conference (2/6/2003) stating you would not create coal “jobs that kill people”?
Mitt: I couldn’t very well point my finger at McDonald’s and Taco Bell, could I? I had to sound a little green, but not you Shelly. I saw you went to Kyoto out of misguided support for your coal industry, down to 20,000 employees in West Virginia.
Shelley: Coal jobs pay better than minimum wage-leaning jobs at McDonald’s and Taco Bell.
Mitt: Don’t mention it. We have to keep the minimum wage down so Wall Street can get nearly 50% of US profits of GDP as with the Bush Lite years. Did you realize hotel night auditors make the same amount of money as they did 15 years ago? I just love that! While hotel rooms rates are up 100%! Gosh, it’s a great country!
Chauncey Roberts is the author of Scared of Scorpions: My Year of Hell in the Holy Land (ebook, Smashwords, 2014), music videos including Palestine, My Heart (with radio play in MENA before the Arab Spring), the podcast series The Saga of Lusty Louise, and the short historical video series Building the Case for a War Crimes Tribunal Against Bush, His Cronies, and Blair.